Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
