I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
