An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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