i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
