You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
