Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
