I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
