i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
