Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
