I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
