that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she peed on how many people?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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