just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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