My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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