I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
