You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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