What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
