Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
