Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
