That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
