3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
