sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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