I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
