We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
