shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
