he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
