From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
