Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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