she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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