I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
