I think my vagina is haunted
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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