I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
