I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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