this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
