i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
