New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize