the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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