I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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