ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
