Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My friends, they love my intelligence
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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