Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why are your pants in the freezer?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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