I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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