you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
