I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize