When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
