this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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