I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
