Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
