Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
