You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
