I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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