If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
