It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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