I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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