What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
