I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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