my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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