There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.