We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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