found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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