DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
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Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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