I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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