Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
