The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
thus making me awesome and them whores
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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