why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
